my new job

i'm trying to sell my old laptop on craigslist. and have received a few emails. here's one of the more interesting chains...

him:

Is it still available for sale?

me:

Yes.

him:

I am interested in buying your item...Firstly,i will love to know the condition of the item, but there is a little problem,i will not be able to look at the item or pick it up from your place because i am currently out of the state for a Conference meeting,so you will be shipping the item to my Son in West Africa because i want to buy the item for him and i will prefer the shipment to go through USPS Global Express Mail Service EMS,i will add $100 to your money to cover the shipping charges.And about the payment, i will prefer PayPal because it is secure and easy to send money online and these is because these is the first time i will buy item online and Craigslist was introduced to me by a friend and i don't want to get ripped off. So get back to me with your PayPal email address for the immediate payment. I will be very happy if you could get back to me now. Thanks for your understanding and in anticipation of your response. Regards..

obviously some sort of scam at this point...

me:

I do not ship. Sorry

him:

i can understand the way you feel but i want to assure you that there won't be any problem and that is why i want to send the money before you get the item ship out to my son.. I would have love to pick it up myself but due to the nature of my Job i won't be able to do that and more so,i don't know when i will be back from my trip so that is why i want you to help me out.You don't have any problem in receiving your money just get back to me with your PayPal email address so that i can send the money to your account as earlier as possible. Thanks for your consideration and hope to read back from you soon.

me:

I am wanted by the FBI for internet fraud and I cannot go into the post office. They have my picture everywhere.

at which point, I think received a job offer...

him:

Hi mate, i will like to know much about you cos am total nigeria so want usa guy that can help me print check i will like you if you do it for me so we be share the gain together.i want you to get back to in time.

why the government moves at the speed of molasses

if you've ever wondered why the government can't get anything done, based on my recent experience, i would tell you it most likely has something to do with IA. or "information assurance" for all you non DoD folks. our information is assured by people who call themselves information assurance officers, and whose primary job, as far as i can tell is to say "no". they have created a maze of paperwork so confusing that no mere mortal could possibly get their software approved to run on a government network. in fact, we were told that our best bet would be to hire a contractor whose sole purpose would be to do the accrediation paperwork for us and it could take years. to make things worse, there are least six "different" networks that each require separate approval. i say "different" because in reality, most of them are all connected, they are just different nodes, managed by different services.

as if that's not bad enough, commercial applications are WAY easier to get on the network than our own government sponsored, government owned, government developed software. microsoft office? no problem. google earth? no problem. government software? you have to fill out an approximately 54,437 page security document on which half the questions are irrelevant, half don't make any sense, and the other half yields answers whose usefulness with regards to security is questionable at best.

how did i find all this out? after i flew to hawaii to support a mission and spent a week and half just trying to get my damn computer plugged in. anyway, long story short, i got to do some hiking and snorkelling while i was out there. thanks uncle sam!

sweet... 18 cents per gallon savings.

now i can finally afford that jr. bacon cheeseburger i've been jonesing for but couldn't afford due to gas price increases. two out of three of your presidential candidates have proposed a "gas tax holiday" for the summer driving season. apparently only one candidate

- is smart enough to realize that the average person would save about $30 at the pump
- has the dignity and enough respect for the american people to not try to buy votes for the aforementioned $30 each
- realizes that making gas cheaper is not the way to end foreign oil dependency.

i had spent some time considering which candidate i hated the least. thank you for clearing it up mccain and clinton.

once is kinda funny, twice is just sad

i've had my resume up on monster for about the last six months. mostly i just get random emails from headhunters who clearly have not read my resume. a few weeks ago while i was in the process of interviewing with northrop grumman, i got a called from a small company called sfa who found my resume on monster. they were interested in having me interview for a position at the naval research lab. if you're thinking this all sounds very familiar, that's because i work for a small company called sfa, on a contract at the naval research lab. i avoided calling them back for a while just due to the sheer awkwardness of the situation but mistakenly answered the phone when they tried to contact me again. this lead to the interview with the optics division at nrl which in the end didn't go anywhere.

i finally decided to stay at the naval research lab on the condition that they find a replacement for me and let me work on some other projects. i sent a job description to my section head at nrl, who i assume sent it out to the companies that the branch has contracts with. yesterday, i get this in my email:

Dear Candidate, This message is in reference to interest in your resume for a position working at the Naval Research Laboratory. Please give me a call at your earliest convenience. I can be reached at xxx-xxx-xxxx or in the office at xxx-xxx-xxxx. If you reach my voicemail, please zero out and have the receptionist page me or leave a number where you can be reached during the day. If you are out of the job market, please inform us and we will no longer call with opportunities unless told otherwise. Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, SFA. Inc

now don't get me wrong i like my company. the benefits are good. they don't give me much grief. my paycheck is always on time. i gave them a pass the first time. it's a little harder to laugh at the situation the second time. though to be fair, i am exceedingly qualified for my own job. anyway, i took my resume down from monster.

obesity in america

this morning i witnessed a school bus hold up three lanes of traffic waiting for one kid to get on. it then, and i shit you not, drove half a block to the school and let the kid off. i've included a diagram illustrating what happened for you visual learners.