an open letter

dear planet volunteers,

earth day is a wonderful event (which happens to coincide with trash day in my neighborhood oddly enough). earth day is something that's good for everyone and your enthusiasm is fantastic, though i fear your efforts may be a bit misguided. picking up sticks that have fallen off of trees in the woods, chipping them, and then putting them back in the woods, is perhaps not the best use of your time.

thanks,
dan

(skip to ~2:45)

note to consumer product engineers

dear engineers,

please do not let your accounting department talk you into using plastic gears when you know you should be using metal ones. especially relatively expensive, in high-torque applications like:

- my broken shredder
- my broken stick blender
- my broken garage door opener

thanks,
dan

an open letter

dear really, really old guy at 7-11,

let me start by commending you on your independence. most citizens your age would probably not be out and about like you are, and even though it took your 20 minutes to get money out of your wallet, you have my respect sir. i noticed that you were buying some lottery tickets. i occasionally purchase lottery tickets myself, and like you i am hoping to beat the unbelievably bad odds and win an unspeakable amount of money. but if i may make a suggestion, perhaps you might consider a different game instead of the "cash for life" tickets you were purchasing?

sincerely,
dan

to the ladies on the arlington hiker/biker trails

it's wonderful that you are out exercising with your friends in this beautiful weather. i was out there too. and i know half the fun while you're out is gossiping about who is dating whom and what was on oprah yesterday and all, but you really shouldn't be power walking three people wide on the trails. especially in the summer when there are lots of other people out, some of whom are going the other direction and would appreciate more than a sliver of pavement to run/ride on and some who would like to pass without running into bikers come head on in the other direction. really, even two wide is questionable. thanks.

open letter to an impatient driver

dear woman in the suv behind me on four mile run this afternoon,

i was just trying to be a courteous driver. you should be aware of the fact that you are legally required to stop for pedestrians in a crosswalk. maybe you were confused by the fact that they were standing in the median and you weren't sure if that qualified as "in a crosswalk" or not. i know it was the end of the day and we all want to get home, but a couple extra seconds won't kill you.

you should probably take a moment and reflect on your life and what type of person you want to be. do you want to be the person who stops at a crosswalk so that three young girls can cross the street safely, or do you want to be the person who honks at, and tries to go around, the person stopping for those kids?

thanks,
dan

stop denting my fucking car

dear past and future parking neighbors,

for christ sake, stop ramming your doors into my fucking car. if you feel it necessary to throw your door open with wanton disregard for other peoples property, at least have the decency to leave a damn note. even just an apology without your name or insurance info would at least make me feel like you have a soul. honestly, i've had this car just over a year now and have two door dings already. it's really soured me on the experiences of owning new cars and sharing the planet with other humans.

to the miata guy at the lab who put the dent in my altima and left a note, i got it. no worries. that car was a pile of junk anyway. i apologize for not calling.

I'm an ass.

To the Person in the car in front of me at the intersection of Contee and 197,

I apologize for honking. I didn't realize there was a good reason for you not going when the light turned green. I figured you were just an idiot like everyone else. If it's any consolation, I felt like a total jerkwad when I finally saw the ambulance.

Sorry,
Dan

Sorry about the fish.

Dear Occupants of Room 2446,

I apologize for microwaving fish for lunch today. It was thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Sorry,
Dan