airplanes, fat guys and babies

i've been flying southwest a lot lately. mostly to orlando, and as a rule, flights to orlando have lots of screaming kids. (the proportion of fat guys is most likely roughly the same as other destinations.) over the last year or so, i've developed some strategies for find that perfect seat. the perfect seat has a couple things going for it. it's preferably a window seat, in a row towards the front half of the plane (less bumpy and you can get off quickly), as far away from any screaming babies as possible, and with any luck, and empty seat next to it.

first and foremost, your biggest advantaged is to check in online 24 hours in advance. i often do this on my cellphone. getting in that A boarding group was key. it pretty much guarantees you a window or aisle seat, whichever you prefer.

second, the worst child offenders are usually small enough to pre-board which means they're all near the front. this is good because you know where they are and hence can avoid them.

third, ask the gate attendants how many passengers are on the plane. southwest jets hold 137. one third of those seats are middle seats. use this information to your advantage. if there's less than about 90 or so, you'll most likely have an empty seat in the middle of your row (unless some weirdo would rather sit right next to you instead of the empty one two rows back). as the numbers go up, it gets more complicated. you'll have to go farther and farther back to increase your odds of an empty middle seat, but there's a local maxima (or possibly minima) in the equation somewhere and i haven't quite determined where the tipping point is.

if 1) you go too far back or 2) the passenger count has crossed some threshold, being in the last couple rows is bad. what happens is you end up with a whole bunch of people who have wandered all the way to the back of the plane, hoping to find a row with an empty middle seat, just like you. except by the time they get their, there are nothing but middle seats left and it's too hard to wade back upstream so they just sit next to you.

lastly, if you know your chances of scoring that empty middle seat are low, your best bet is to just grab the first aisle or window seat that is reasonably far from the screaming children. if you're going to get some fatass next to you anyway, you'll at least be able to get off the plane quickly.

one other good trick that i saw on another website is playing a game of "unite the couple". try and find a couple that has left an empty seat between them. more than likely, one of them will scoot to the middle seat rather than have a stranger sit between them.

all of the strategies generally worked out pretty well until they changed their boarding procedures. in fact, it totally backfired on me on my last flight back from orlando. i ended up sitting in the third of fourth row from the back with a screaming baby right behind me and a 6'2" dude in the middle seat next to me.

here's what happened. i checked in a little late and got A42 which is still not bad. i should have been able to get a good (as defined in the first paragraph) seat. as i boarded, as i asked the gate attendant how many and was told 105. also not bad. armed with this information, i headed most of the way to the back and grabbed a window seat, assuming that by the time everyone boarded, i would have an empty seat next to me.

now, they used to have A, B and C groups and families with small children boarded first. with the new boarding procedures, there's only A and B and families board in between. that means if you are an A, you don't know where they are going to sit. if you're a B you know where they are, but there are significantly fewer seats left. it's lose-lose. in addition, families want to sit together, and with 60 people on the plane already, the only place there are large groups of seats together is all the way in the back. which is basically how i ended up with mom, pop and four kids in the row behind me.

and to top it off there were way more than 105 people on the plane, i 1) either went too far back or 2) the passenger manifest crossed that magic threshold or both and ended up squished against the window with an only slightly slimmer version of lawrence fishburn sitting next to me and bleeding eardrums.

i need a new gameplan. anyone have any suggestions?